She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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