apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
