Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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