I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
