I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
