He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
