Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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