i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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