he wants to bone in the snuggie
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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