break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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