Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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