i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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