just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I touched a dick in church today
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
