Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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