i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
