I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
