i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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