I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
