You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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