you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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