bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we're making bets on your personal life
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i out mim tonsoeep
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize