Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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