His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
