Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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