M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
