I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
