clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
it hurts more in the daytime
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize