as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
