Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
