just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Randomize
