I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
