I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
