There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
