she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Randomize
