is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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