Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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