Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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