Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
