I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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