Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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