im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
