good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
