Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
