When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
