I just cut my nipple shaving
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
