My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
