Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
