she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
