Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
