He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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