peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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