I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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