thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
