i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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