So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
