So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
