I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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