3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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