For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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