I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
