You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
