So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
